Charitable Chloe and Generous Graham take me to Inside Out

April 20th.

So there I was, counting down the days until pay day when I would be able to be frivolous with spending money on food again, when Chloe Stapleton asked me if I fancied going for a breakfast the following day. Her treat to me! Wowzers. I had braced myself for a dark few breakfast-less weekends but the big freeze was about to come to a premature end! No amount of exclamation marks can do justice to the excitement I felt at that specific moment!!! Well, three of them gives you a good idea.

After I gleefully agreed, Chloe got down to the business of researching fastbreaking venues. I had previously experienced Chloe's brilliant powers of organisation around the New Year's Eve period, 2012. Most of the plaudits for one of the greatest NYEs of my life must be given to her, as her efforts in orchestrating large-scale Lake District cottage inhabitation were first-class. Her current project is equally exciting; her and boyfriend Graham will be travelling up to the Isle of Skye in June for a holiday of walking, climbing and midge-swatting, amidst some of the most beautiful landscapes in Britain. As a big fan of small islands, walking, and Scotland, I am naturally very envious.

Chloe was keen to try somewhere new for breakfast, which suited me. The shortlist was whittled down to two venues; one on North Street if the weather was ok, and one in North Laine if the weather was lovely, as it had a good outdoor area. Come the day, the sun stood proudly in the sky, all clouds banished to less beautiful parts of the world, and we three marched to Inside Out to break our fasts.

I say three because we were also joined by boyfriend Graham Pether, an ace addition for two reasons. Firstly, the pair of them are both keen fastbreakers, and have been visiting the myriad food outlets of Brighton for an indeterminate amount of time on a quest to discover the finest eggs benedict that they can. A noble cause indeed. It gave the meal a very official air, as well as a fine sense of validation. This breakfast would be as much of a voyage of discovery for them as it would be for me.

Secondly, Graham is another one of my oldest friends, whom I have been comrades with since the tender age of 7. That's quite a bit of time. During this quite-a-bit-of-time we have done several things, been to several places, played several games of football, performed in several bands, embarked on several dice-based adventures and a whole load of equally exciting activities in between. In short, we are good pals who know each other very well.

All three of us happen to be in the same band at the moment, the previously mentioned Red Diamond Dragon Club, and we had performed a gig at very short notice only three days previously. This inevitably came up in conversation (as well as the super-exciting-I-want-to-come-too trip to Skye). This moved on to upcoming gigs. Both Chloe and Graham are fortunate enough to be going to see The Knife in a month's time (another super-exciting-I-want-to-come-too trip) and one that boggles the mind slightly. Prior to this chat I had no idea as to how they would perform their music live; reliance on samples, full band, strong visual element, giant bear suits? Graham informed me of the existence of this recorded performance which gives a good idea. I would love for us to have a strong visual side to our performances one day, but for now budgetary limitations are keeping that in the box labelled 'pipe dreams'. We will have to just utilise our bodies as best we can until the projectors and lasers can be acquired. At the moment they are serving us well, although Graham did come out with the following remark at one point:

"My fingers were quite slippery during Sex in the Attic."

That quotation doesn't need any qualification.

So, both talented chaps with good taste. I briefly posed them the question of, if they were to become radio DJs, what would their shows be like? Graham said that he would specialise in Northern Soul and funk, with perhaps a hint of opera. He would be like an avant-garde Craig Charles, forcing the Red Dwarf star into "the freakier zone". Chloe said that she would replicate Natasha "Bat For Lashes" Khan's recent BBC 6music guest slot, to the point of having Natasha do all the talking in between songs. Both of these would be wonderful. The idea of food radio arose from this. What a superb platform that would be, in order to discuss the merits of particular breakfasts and to debate the worthiness of certain items within the meal! If there was ever a place for a debate about the utilisation of fish (and fish substitutes) within the traditional cooked breakfast, it was the radio. Chloe needs to get a slot for her and Natasha Khan to ponder over this, pronto.

And so, the breakfast:

Veggie Breakfast

Egg, two veggie sausages, potato wedges, tomato, mushrooms, beans, toast and a choice of any tea or coffee

Veggie Breakfast - £6.95

So here was another slightly misleading menu, compounded by an equally misleading waiter. First of all I was informed that they had run out of veggie sausages. That was fine, I asked what they could offer as an alternative and roasted vegetables were proposed. Great, I thought, I really like those. Then the dish arrived complete with two things that looked vaguely sausage-like. OK, I thought, I guess they did have sausages after all. I was then asked if I would like any sauces, to which I asked whether I could have some ketchup. No ketchup ever came. I was too engrossed in the eating that I forgot to follow this up. I also failed to notice the complete absence of tomato as well (though I did notice the bonus rocket). Rocket isn't really an adequate substitute for tomato. Finally, the choice of any tea or coffee was actually limited to white or black coffee, or breakfast tea. Hmm.

A future Colin and Edith?

As I've said, I became very engrossed in eating. This was due to the fact that a lot of the meal was very tasty indeed. There was a lot of richness running about the plate for me to be grappling with, and this held me captivated. The beans were sharply fruity, bearing a taste that affirmed their individuality as a component of the meal. Butter had been thoroughly applied to both the mushrooms and the toast, giving both a creamy softness that was most becoming. Each of these three components were cooked faultlessly, and could have held their own on any dish.

The egg did not share this richness, but was well turned out. The white was crisp, yet the yolk had a princely runniness to it, regally gooey. I generally prefer my whites softer to this, but the exuberance of the silken gold that flooded over it meant that the firm, dappled albumen gave an exciting contrast.

Improvement could be made with the wedges and the sausages. The wedges were chunky and tasted wholesome, however the taste did not deviate from the traditional potato blueprint. Some extra seasoning in the cooking process would have made these more hearty, more interesting, and kept them up to speed with the top flavours on the march elsewhere on the plate. The sausages needed more work. Essentially bubble-and-squeak concoctions within crispy skins, there was an absence of flavour inside the crunchy husk, lending them an air of the comatose. In hindsight I would have certainly preferred some roast vegetables instead.

The most striking part of Inside Out as a venue is one that has little bearing on the act of eating. The cafe itself is pleasing enough; the outdoor terrace we sat on was perfect for a sunny afternoon, being positioned on the raised corner of a street which allows for an unobstructed vantage point of the top end of North Laine, and indoors was chic seating reminiscent of Park Güell in Barcelona. The real excitement however, is to be had in the toilet. Why? Because of the deployment of a one way mirror...

My view from the seat...

Crikey. Voyeurism for breakfast. I dread to think what depraved movements have been made within the safe ensconcement of that room. I decided against making depraved movements, but I imagine it would be pretty easy for someone to succumb to base urges whilst making use of the facilities. Urgh.

The one way mirror toilet situation is comparable to the breakfast of Inside Out in a way. Here we have an exciting component of the eaterie, which is present alongside other exciting components such as the sun terrace and Güell-esque seating inside. Unfortunately, these were slightly tarnished by an inaccurate menu and unhelpful waiting. So too with the breakfast; several exceptional components held back by pedestrian ones. Overall the meal was much better than other breakfasts I have had recently, but still a few steps behind true fastbreaking greatness. If you are an aficionado of quirky toilets though, this place is definitely for you.

Function: restorative richness 4/5
Adherence to canon: Yes
Taste: highs and lows 3/5
Value: costly, but comes with beverage 3/5
Presentation: well placed items, looks neat, hidden mushrooms though 3/5
Venue: definitely better on a sunny day 3/5

Overall: a cafe to capitalise on the sun - 3/5 

Hungry hiatus

April 14th.

It's happened again. I have run out of money. It seems to be a regular occurrence that I spend about a week each month scraping by, giving up all non-essential purchases such as beer, eating out, and deodorant, in order to make it through to pay day, but this month it's hit earlier than usual. Blame birthdays, blame bills, blame British Sea Power. As a result, I am going to have to forgo fastbreaking activities for the next couple of weeks (unless anyone fancies treating me?).

I shall be spending my weekends indoors, playing video games, arranging a stag do, and hopefully putting my writing energies elsewhere. On the off chance you've come across this independently of of my other blog, you can have a perusal of some general musings and creative meanderings at http://whiteplumsupermarket.blogspot.co.uk/. The last couple of entries are a link to the English Disco Lovers and a poem I made up in my head on the way to football one evening. On this evidence I definitely need to spend a bit more time with this one.

I will also try and avoid mixing up breakfast reviews and heavy nights out. The results are always hazy and do not result in acceptable contributions to the blogosphere. They do result in amusing photography sometimes, but that's not what I'm going for with this. Until the next one then, eat well.

Collaborating with Claire at Infinity Food Cafe

March 28th.

In a few months time I am going to be the best man to one of my greatest friends, Mike Sykes. It's going to be a massive honour, but with the honour comes various trials that must be overcome before destiny can be fulfilled. Most notable of these trials is the organisation of the stag do, which must be fun-filled and exciting or else the marriage will be doomed to failure and Mike will personally behead me with a breeze block on live television. Daunting, and not a challenge that can be completed by simply hiring some saucy dancers and filling Mike up with Frosty Jacks.

I'm sure I'll be able to rustle something up by the end of May, but for now I am in 'slightly worried' mode. Someone else in 'slightly worried' mode is Claire Sissons, maid-of-honour and organiser of the hen do. Normally operating in 'calm and gentle' mode, Claire has a much harder job than me as maid-of-honour, as she's also had to take an active role in another notable trial; the hunting of the wedding dress. From what I've heard, the pursuit of this fabled beast is incredibly difficult and hunters are often led in a merry dance through impenetrable forest, over roaring brook and into labyrinthine marshes. The quarry is always elusive, but in this instance the hunters have recently found success! Glory be! She has also been very busy recently with helping to stage manage a successful International Women's Day event in Brighton; "a day celebrating women's achievements in the struggle for equality," featuring workshops, speakers in the mould of Caroline Lucas, live performance and complimentary therapies. All reports were immensely favourable. Everything that Caroline Lucas appears at is usually a resounding success (apart from the House of Commons) so I have every faith that Claire managed to manage an ace afternoon. I also have every faith she will be able to orchestrate a marvellous hen weekend, being a person of both good sense and good taste, who is receptive and empathetic to the needs of others. The latter qualities aren't essential for hen do organisation, but who knows, they might come in useful at some point along the way.

As we both had the day off it seemed like a good idea to meet up to run various henstag ideas past each other over tasty vegetarian breakfasts. Claire has been both a strong supporter of the breakfast project and a strong supporter in general during my occasional angsty phases. We had planned to go to a cafe near the Lanes that we'd spied on an old blog that, at the time, had served breakfasts within giant Yorkshire puddings. Much to our dismay we discovered that not only were the Yorkshires no longer on the menu, but the establishment was very much closed. Slightly disappointed, we opted instead for the environs of the Infinity Food Cafe. A name suggestive of an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet...

As we awaited our breakfasts, conversation steered towards home. Claire was going to visit her parents and dog that weekend. Although living in Poole does not sound quite as exciting as living with a Belgian baron as she once did when ickle (something that is surely on most people's bucket list), she did have a wonderful treehouse back in the day, and the Dolphin Arcade in Poole used to have some equally wonderful animal climbing apparatus.

This led to a long discussion on lawn furniture in the shape of tortoises. Large wooden tortoises are the ideal lawn ornament. Aesthetically pleasing, they could also be hollowed out with shells that open, and they could be used to contain, amongst other things, the following; barbeques, refridgerators, lawn games such as boules, blankets, tools, hibernating tortoises, hibernating children, barbeque coals, wine and spirits, walking boots, smaller wooden tortoises, hot tubs, hats, and toys for dogs. Perhaps we could commission one to be made for Mike and Rosie's wedding? A large wooden tortoise could also be used as an outdoor table at which one could eat a cooked breakfast if one was that way inclined.

And so, the breakfast:

Full Veggie Breakfast

Sausage, bacon, egg, mushrooms, spinach, tomato, baked beans and toast

Full Veggie Breakfast - £8.50

We can probably dispute the accuracy of the menu here. "Mushrooms" transpired to be one large open cap, "tomato" was a tiny wee thing that could fit in a shot glass with room to spare, and "wedges" didn't even appear on there at all. I was happy with the mushroom and the surprise wedges, but really that tomato was a bit silly. It was more of a garnish or condiment than any real contribution to the dish as a whole.

Still, it tasted fine. As did the wedges and the mushroom. They all had a solid taste; unsurprising and refusing to deviate from the normative flavours that you would associate with these three things. Sure, the mushroom and mini-tom were juicy too, but all three could have done with something else to take them on. With this large amount of unsurprising inevitably came a large amount of uninspiring.

The lesser-spotted Sissons in her natural habitat

The spinach and the beans had some different flavours coming through. The spinach had a subtle, possibly garlic, edge. It was subtle enough for me to be unable to confidently discern what it was that it had been cooked in, but this was a bit more like it. The beans had some perfumey notes going, similar to the violet flavouring in Parma Violets. Kooky. Not particularly homely, but it was nice that they were attempting something a bit different with them. Perhaps they had added in some stearic acid. I'm not sure. I'm no expert. Ultimately though, I wasn't enamoured with them.

Up to this point, all the components I have described also had relatively normal textures. Not too soft, not too firm, precisely what you would expect from well cooked tomato, beans, wedges, spinach and baked beans. The toast and egg though were both rather chewy. This wasn't a problem with the egg, and in fact this made it the most interesting item on the plate. The white had a smooth firmness that kept the runny yolk in place and made it feel like some kind of fried-poached hybrid. The chewiness worked less well with the toast, which, due to its fibrous nature, was a much more difficult beast to break down, almost to the point of it being a chore.

This leaves me with the sausage and bacon. At some point during our time there Claire and I had pondered why halloumi never gets used in cooked vegetarian breakfasts (to our knowledge), and these two components served to further fuel the desire for that divine cheese of the grill. The bacon had that all too familiar level of dry blandness that I have come to expect of vegetarian bacon. The sausage was more curious; a weird tubal creation that felt like a spring roll filled with stuffing. It was strange and disconcerting. It felt like it required dissecting and sending to a pathology lab rather than wolfing down.

Although the table at which we sat at upstairs was pleasant and held a pleasant view over the street below, the ground floor with menu board and serving counter were dingy and dull. The contrast between this front and the warm and welcoming atmosphere of the Infinity Foods shop should have prepared me for what was to follow. I was expecting something that shared the excitement and freshness of the shop, and what I ate disappointed me. It felt as though effort had been greatly lacking in the meal's creation. In that respect it was just as well the food was not infinite, though for the price of asking it probably should have been something close to it.

It dawned on me shortly after getting home that we had not discussed the henstag planning at all. Oops. Six weeks to go...

Function: alienating 2/5
Adherence to canon: Yes
Taste: predominantly mundane 2/5
Value: very difficult to justify the price 2/5
Presentation: are they trying to hide the bacon? plate and food layout incongruous 2/5
Venue: nice upstairs, downstairs less so 2/5

Overall: must try harder - 2/5 

Rendezvous with Ryan (who was subsequently surprised by Steve) at Rock Ola

March 23rd.

* disclaimer - the events I am about to document were followed by some severe binge drinking. If this type of activity is to be conducted at all, it is best conducted prior to the cooked breakfast rather than following it. Such decadent and foolhardy behaviour does not lend itself well to remembering with fondness the food of the past, although the chances of becoming reacquainted with it in the future are much greater *

On Saturday 23rd March, Ryan Howson left the world of teenagers and became a fully-fledged twentysomething. His longstanding ladyfriend, Bryony, needed to get him out of the house in order to set up a surprise party for him. What better way to do that than to get him into a cafe for a cooked breakfast? And so it was; I took one for the team and invited Ryan to join me for some food, hoping to preoccupy him for long enough so that Bry could inflate a multitude of balloons and lay out a delicious buffet of sweet, sweet nibbles.

Me and Ryan have previous when it comes to breakfasts. For his last birthday we were the only two that made it to Buddies post-party (Buddies being one of the most notorious late-night eateries, and one which will inevitably rear its ugly/noble head on here in the near future). It now feels like a comforting tradition; a ritual that will need to be carried out until the end of our days.

Ryan is a very dependable guy. In dark moments he has been there to pick up the slack of others. I distinctly remember one evening, when I was feeling low after someone had called off a meet-up at the last minute due to ill-health, Ryan answered a call to the pub very late in the day. We had a good night, and he was able to offer the companionship that I was sorely lacking. That's the kind of guy Sweet Hands is; dependable and willing to give his all. From this point onwards I shall be addressing him by his nickname, Sweet Hands. It takes a special kind of person to develop a flamboyant nickname and have it stick. Sweet Hands is a subtle beast, rather like the three-toed sloth or sausage dog (Sweet Hands' favourite breed of dog). This is a turning into a bit of a digression so I'll leave it at that.

For his birthday another surprise was brewing. We were going to be met at the cafe of choice by Steve Kelly, one of my oldest and most long-suffering comrades. He was going to be wearing his King Arthur costume. A potentially terrifying scenario for the unprepared, but one that should have proved to be joyous for Sweet Hands. And joyous it did prove. I think. His precise words were, "Is Steve supposed to be here?" That reads as quite joyous. Doesn't it?

Obviously conversation focused mainly on the fact that it was Sweet Hands' birthday. It's not everyday that you leave the teenage years behind. All three of us are fans of computer games though, so this occupied a good 40% of the chat. Two engrossing games have been released relatively recently; Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch and SimCity (the former leading me to write a wee bit about video games in general elsewhere), and we had a nice little discussion about their merits and foibles. Unfortunately I cannot remember too much about the details of this, due to what was to come.

We also briefly chatted about animal masks (10% of the chat), and I duly presented Ryan with his present; a tiger mask complete with whiskers and fluffy eyebrows. I hope to see him wear this a good deal throughout his twenties. The mask, once on the table, attracted a few worried glances from customers and waitresses alike, and if you are looking to attract positive attention from a waitress I would definitely recommend a small dog over an animal mask.

And so, the breakfast:

Veggie American Style

 2 eggs, 2 veggie bacon, 2 veggie pattie burgers, hash brown, grilled tomato, 3 buttermilk pancakes & syrup

Veggie American Style - £5.95

Rock Ola is an American-style diner with a rock 'n' roll theme (note the jukebox in the picture below!), and so understandably the breakfast itself has a few items involved that wouldn't be seen within a fifty mile radius of certain greasy spoons. I had previously experienced an American-style cooked breakfast whilst the project was at a nascent stage, so I was excited to tackle another one now that I had a wealth of veggie breakfast under my (gradually loosening) belt.

You can see that there's a bowl of beans in the corner of the shot here. I shelled out an extra 75p for the privilege as I thought that the meal would be too dry for my taste without. I had, however, not reckoned on the moist prowess of the eggs, tomato, and what turned out to be the breakfast's secret weapon, the syrup. As such, I shall be writing this review as though the beans were never there, and indeed I ended up eating the majority of them separately from the rest of the meal. In hindsight I shall be avoiding the purchase of extras. It's just not fair to do so!

Anyway, moisture was forthcoming from the tomatoes and two eggs. The toms were both sweet and juicy, grilled so that they maintained good body whilst intensifying flavour. The eggs' yolks were slightly watery, which was useful in this context but gave them an inhibited taste. The whites were more solid though and contained the yolk pleasingly, as well as proving to be filling. These components were decent enough.

The other, more common, components were the hash brown and the veggie bacon. The hash brown was spot on in the classic style; served with the crunchy and crisp outer shell, coating a warm and homely potatoey inside. Delightfully armadillo-esque. The bacon was sadly not armadillo-esque, though a step up from previous veggie bacon. It was drier than the last strip I'd tasted, though still lacking in real strong flavours. It did link up well though with the syrup...

Breakfast came with a candle for the birthday boy (right)

And so, the more American components. The syrup, pancakes and pattie burgers. The bacon went very well with the syrup, which almost managed to cover up the flavourless strips' shortcomings. The syrup also went well with the pattie burgers, which were also lacking in strong flavours. They reminded me of finger food that you get at buffets; dry, cute and slightly akin to crisps in taste. They would have fitted better on the table along with all the other tidbits Bryony had asssembled for Sweet Hands' surprise party. The syrup also, more obviously, went well with the pancakes. I was hoping these would be a bit bigger and less like Scotch pancakes. They were soft and could have been warmer. I would have liked to have had more of an opportunity to taste them alongside some stronger, more savoury moistness, but as the tomatoes and egg yolk were required for the fried dry components I had to favour using the syrup.

Following my last American cooked breakfast experience I was sceptical as to whether a meal following a formula from the other side of the Atlantic would be able to make a positive impression on me. I had been given glowing reports from other friends though, so I was open to having my opinion severely challenged. This one did better than the last one without beans, but was let down by a couple of components lacking in great flavours and/or not being served up to their full potential. I was left feeling that the whole thing was merely adequate, as though it was something quirky to be consumed as a stop-gap until a better meal came along. Overall then, it probably was more of an animal mask of a breakfast rather than a small dog; it was more of a curious diversion, a one-off, rather than a dedicated and loving lifestyle choice. The search for the Great American Breakfast continues.

Function: felt like a novelty meal 2/5
Adherence to canon: beans were absent friends - No
Taste: generally lacking in some areas 2/5
Value: nice variety for your money though not top of the range 3/5
Presentation: colourful plate, squeezy condiment bottles 3/5
Venue: pleasant and chirpy 3/5

Overall: lacking in the excitement and punchiness that rock 'n' roll exemplifies - 2/5

* Apologies for the vagueness and poor writing of this entry. I think they are symptomatic of the events surrounding the breakfast. I could have written more detailed notes at the time, or perhaps finished my write-up sooner than I have. This approach would have led to a better finished post, but I fear would not have done justice to the annual event that is a Sweet Hands birthday. *