Collaborating with Claire at Infinity Food Cafe

March 28th.

In a few months time I am going to be the best man to one of my greatest friends, Mike Sykes. It's going to be a massive honour, but with the honour comes various trials that must be overcome before destiny can be fulfilled. Most notable of these trials is the organisation of the stag do, which must be fun-filled and exciting or else the marriage will be doomed to failure and Mike will personally behead me with a breeze block on live television. Daunting, and not a challenge that can be completed by simply hiring some saucy dancers and filling Mike up with Frosty Jacks.

I'm sure I'll be able to rustle something up by the end of May, but for now I am in 'slightly worried' mode. Someone else in 'slightly worried' mode is Claire Sissons, maid-of-honour and organiser of the hen do. Normally operating in 'calm and gentle' mode, Claire has a much harder job than me as maid-of-honour, as she's also had to take an active role in another notable trial; the hunting of the wedding dress. From what I've heard, the pursuit of this fabled beast is incredibly difficult and hunters are often led in a merry dance through impenetrable forest, over roaring brook and into labyrinthine marshes. The quarry is always elusive, but in this instance the hunters have recently found success! Glory be! She has also been very busy recently with helping to stage manage a successful International Women's Day event in Brighton; "a day celebrating women's achievements in the struggle for equality," featuring workshops, speakers in the mould of Caroline Lucas, live performance and complimentary therapies. All reports were immensely favourable. Everything that Caroline Lucas appears at is usually a resounding success (apart from the House of Commons) so I have every faith that Claire managed to manage an ace afternoon. I also have every faith she will be able to orchestrate a marvellous hen weekend, being a person of both good sense and good taste, who is receptive and empathetic to the needs of others. The latter qualities aren't essential for hen do organisation, but who knows, they might come in useful at some point along the way.

As we both had the day off it seemed like a good idea to meet up to run various henstag ideas past each other over tasty vegetarian breakfasts. Claire has been both a strong supporter of the breakfast project and a strong supporter in general during my occasional angsty phases. We had planned to go to a cafe near the Lanes that we'd spied on an old blog that, at the time, had served breakfasts within giant Yorkshire puddings. Much to our dismay we discovered that not only were the Yorkshires no longer on the menu, but the establishment was very much closed. Slightly disappointed, we opted instead for the environs of the Infinity Food Cafe. A name suggestive of an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet...

As we awaited our breakfasts, conversation steered towards home. Claire was going to visit her parents and dog that weekend. Although living in Poole does not sound quite as exciting as living with a Belgian baron as she once did when ickle (something that is surely on most people's bucket list), she did have a wonderful treehouse back in the day, and the Dolphin Arcade in Poole used to have some equally wonderful animal climbing apparatus.

This led to a long discussion on lawn furniture in the shape of tortoises. Large wooden tortoises are the ideal lawn ornament. Aesthetically pleasing, they could also be hollowed out with shells that open, and they could be used to contain, amongst other things, the following; barbeques, refridgerators, lawn games such as boules, blankets, tools, hibernating tortoises, hibernating children, barbeque coals, wine and spirits, walking boots, smaller wooden tortoises, hot tubs, hats, and toys for dogs. Perhaps we could commission one to be made for Mike and Rosie's wedding? A large wooden tortoise could also be used as an outdoor table at which one could eat a cooked breakfast if one was that way inclined.

And so, the breakfast:

Full Veggie Breakfast

Sausage, bacon, egg, mushrooms, spinach, tomato, baked beans and toast

Full Veggie Breakfast - £8.50

We can probably dispute the accuracy of the menu here. "Mushrooms" transpired to be one large open cap, "tomato" was a tiny wee thing that could fit in a shot glass with room to spare, and "wedges" didn't even appear on there at all. I was happy with the mushroom and the surprise wedges, but really that tomato was a bit silly. It was more of a garnish or condiment than any real contribution to the dish as a whole.

Still, it tasted fine. As did the wedges and the mushroom. They all had a solid taste; unsurprising and refusing to deviate from the normative flavours that you would associate with these three things. Sure, the mushroom and mini-tom were juicy too, but all three could have done with something else to take them on. With this large amount of unsurprising inevitably came a large amount of uninspiring.

The lesser-spotted Sissons in her natural habitat

The spinach and the beans had some different flavours coming through. The spinach had a subtle, possibly garlic, edge. It was subtle enough for me to be unable to confidently discern what it was that it had been cooked in, but this was a bit more like it. The beans had some perfumey notes going, similar to the violet flavouring in Parma Violets. Kooky. Not particularly homely, but it was nice that they were attempting something a bit different with them. Perhaps they had added in some stearic acid. I'm not sure. I'm no expert. Ultimately though, I wasn't enamoured with them.

Up to this point, all the components I have described also had relatively normal textures. Not too soft, not too firm, precisely what you would expect from well cooked tomato, beans, wedges, spinach and baked beans. The toast and egg though were both rather chewy. This wasn't a problem with the egg, and in fact this made it the most interesting item on the plate. The white had a smooth firmness that kept the runny yolk in place and made it feel like some kind of fried-poached hybrid. The chewiness worked less well with the toast, which, due to its fibrous nature, was a much more difficult beast to break down, almost to the point of it being a chore.

This leaves me with the sausage and bacon. At some point during our time there Claire and I had pondered why halloumi never gets used in cooked vegetarian breakfasts (to our knowledge), and these two components served to further fuel the desire for that divine cheese of the grill. The bacon had that all too familiar level of dry blandness that I have come to expect of vegetarian bacon. The sausage was more curious; a weird tubal creation that felt like a spring roll filled with stuffing. It was strange and disconcerting. It felt like it required dissecting and sending to a pathology lab rather than wolfing down.

Although the table at which we sat at upstairs was pleasant and held a pleasant view over the street below, the ground floor with menu board and serving counter were dingy and dull. The contrast between this front and the warm and welcoming atmosphere of the Infinity Foods shop should have prepared me for what was to follow. I was expecting something that shared the excitement and freshness of the shop, and what I ate disappointed me. It felt as though effort had been greatly lacking in the meal's creation. In that respect it was just as well the food was not infinite, though for the price of asking it probably should have been something close to it.

It dawned on me shortly after getting home that we had not discussed the henstag planning at all. Oops. Six weeks to go...

Function: alienating 2/5
Adherence to canon: Yes
Taste: predominantly mundane 2/5
Value: very difficult to justify the price 2/5
Presentation: are they trying to hide the bacon? plate and food layout incongruous 2/5
Venue: nice upstairs, downstairs less so 2/5

Overall: must try harder - 2/5