Waffling with Will at the Mad Hatter.

 February 16th.

This was to be the first real test for the breakfasts of Brighton and Hove. I was hungover. Not only that, but I was hungover having had three hours of sleep and then two hours of football training. It is occasions such as this where the cooked breakfast is most sorely needed. When the human soul is at its lowest ebb, when the individual is plunged into existential crisis following the reaching of a spiritual nadir. The Mad Hatter was about to take part in the mother of all fastbreaking acid tests.

Situated a few doors away from my previous breakfasting establishment, the Mad Hatter was suggested by Will Spicer, a teammate of mine at Kemp Town FC. On the pitch, Will is best described as a warrior, fully committed to battling foes both on land and in the air, always relentless in bringing his formidable strength to bear. He is a warrior more in the mould of Sun Tzu though, rather than your typical Sunday league Attila the Hun. He is cerebral, a footballing philosopher (or should that be philosophising footballer?). Off the field he is a man of words, delighting in the wonders of language. In fact, he should be correctly labelled here as a logophile. He especially likes interesting words such as logophile.

The Mad Hatter is an interesting venue, straddling the line that separates the coffee shop from the cafe. It has sofas with low tables for the hot drinkers, and higher wooden affairs for your hot meals. Large windows allowed a lot of light in, creating a positive atmosphere. The Mad Hatter, as you may have picked up from the name, also has a vague Alice in Wonderland theme going on, with various pieces of Carrollian paraphernalia littering the walls. I was particularly pleased by the mugs they used, coming with the words "Drink Me" written on the inside. It had a homely feel which was underlined when the couple sitting next to us felt able to interrupt a discussion about the anti-apartheid protests down the road to hand us some leaflets and explain the Ecostream protest some more to us (although we were already aware of what it entailed). Well-intentioned, yes, though perhaps not the time or place.

Will had previously expressed enthusiasm at this project (breakfast that is, rather than the Ecostream protest), and that was what I was going to need whilst nursing a grievous existential crisis. Warm encouragement and infectious good cheer, within a friendly and welcoming environment. As luck would have it, this was precisely what I got, along with some delightful appetizers in the form of excitingly random trivia. The relationship between Real Madrid and General Franco, the hand gesture used by Germans to insult Dutch football fans (relating to the five victories they've had against them in penalty shoot-outs), Shostakovitch's compositional battles with Stalin's government, the Estonian Singing Revolution. Sport and leisure and politics; these would be the themes of Saturday 16th February. The Estonian Singing Revolution arose in conversation following a brief discussion of our favourite flags (mine is the flag of Zheleznogorsk and Will's is the flag of F.Y.R Macedonia), and how I quite liked Estonia's, as European flags with black in weren't common. Will quite likes flags with circles on them. I would wager that he would definitely have an affinity for Uganda's were he to come across it.

There were also some musings about words. A pride of lions, a murder of crows, a parliament of owls. What about cows though? How about a kine!? Terrific! Another thing to ponder in the realm of language is how in English all our words for genitals are either scientific or considered rude and/or infantile. Not so elsewhere. The tantra word for penis, for example, is lingam, which translates from Sanskrit to 'wand of light' . What does this say about us as a society? Is this a symptom of 'British introversion'? Is this the same in Japanese, a language from a society that shares similar cultural restraints to Britain? Will described Japan as "the Britain of the East," and this is something I'm going to have to discuss with my cousin at some point. I may also have to ask him if the similarities between the two societies cross over into breakfast territory. What do the Japanese have for breakfast on a hangover?

And so, the breakfast:

Mad Hatter Brekky

Choice of eggs (scrambled, poached or fried), veggie sausages, hash brown, beans, grilled tomato and toast, bagel or english muffin. Includes regular tea or filter coffee.

Mad Hatter Brekky - £6.20

I was immediately taken aback by the choice I had. This was the first time I had been presented with options within the menu item. As I hadn't had poached eggs in quite some time I opted for those, but in hindsight when it came to choosing my bread I should have gone for a muffin. It's not everywhere that puts a muffin on your plate but alas, the occasion got to me and I went for the safe and familiar.

As you can see, the bread option was served on its own separate dish. Initially I was displeased by this as I like to integrate my toast into the breakfast swiftly, but discussions during the week have led me to re-evaluate my position on the matter somewhat. This subsidiary plate meant the toast was unsullied by the other breakfast components until the time that I saw fit to sully it. For those who prefer their toast to maintain independence at all times this is a good way of delivering it.

Will, eager to tuck into his Eggs Benedict Royale

The toast itself was tasty, artisan bread, crunchily prepared, and formed a firm base for the other, moister items to be eaten from. I was pleased by the poached eggs, as the initial incision into them provided a rich flow of yolk that was not too overbearing. The whites were smooth and soft, providing a neat contrast with the rougher fuzz of the toast. The tomato was also cooked well; its juices were sweet and its flesh supple with a measure of self-restraint.

Kudos should also be given for the sausages. Many establishments will offer the single veggie sausage, often feeling like an afterthought or consolation. Here, the Mad Hatter seemed proud to be purveying vegetarian sausages, providing two of ample girth and thickness that raised the hearty factor up a couple of notches. There are two camps of vegetarian sausages; those that aim to emulate their meaty relatives and those that aim to forge their own path (notably Glamorgan sausages). These sausages were certainly near the top of the former class.

The man of the match though had to be the hash brown. Looking at the picture it seems insignificant, similar in size to the tomato and dwarfed in volume by its multiple breakfast contemporaries. You would think that the beans would be the playmaker of this dish, considering the generous helping of them I had been given, but in fact it was the other way round. The beans let the side down, bringing a mundane taste into play when flair is what the spectators pay to see. It was akin to packing a five man midfield with workhorses. This meant that the hash brown was given space to dazzle. Normally you can rely on your hash browns having a reassuring potato taste to them, positioning them firmly in the realm of the carb. This one, however, allowed the flavour of the onion to run wild. Normally it is the more repressed of the hash brown flavours, and it was a delightful surprise to have it present in the meal. It took this particular hash brown away from the drudgery of regular carbohydrates and made it something special.

Looking back at the breakfast, the Mad Hatter have gone for a relatively simple breakfast and have aimed to provide quality rather than quantity. This is something they've achieved across the board, apart from the beans. I love my beans, so this was a bit of a downer, but I was able to get over this due to the high standard of the other components. Sure, this meant that a wee element of adventure was missing, but when you're nursing an existential crisis you don't really want to be challenged. This was precisely the kind of thing I needed. Hats off to them for providing it.

Function: averted existential catastrophe 5/5
Adherence to canon: Yes
Taste: all tasted superb, just let down by the beans 4/5
Value: apt pricing for the quality  3/5
Presentation: well thought out, especially with the extra toast plate 5/5
Venue: table was wobbly and too close to other tables, but otherwise lovely 4/5

Overall: again, hats off to them - 4/5